#5 Kelly Henderson and Karyn Whittington - The Heart of Friendship

Amy (00:00) Welcome to Just a Thought with Amy Keys. We are here to inspire, educate, inform, and entertain. On today's episode, which we are speaking about friendship, I am so excited to welcome two of my very dear friends, Kelly Henderson,

and

Karen Whittington, So welcome to the show today, ladies.

Kelly (00:22) There.

Amy (00:23) Happy to have my dear friends

They didn't hesitate when I asked them to come on this a few weeks ago when I was putting together my list, there was zero hesitation. So that was an honor. But we're here today because friendship, especially for women, I feel is something that is a daily practice, obviously, but it is something that is not discussed much.

There are so many kinds of friends in our lives. There are so many roles our friends play. You know, I don't know if y'all know the saying of not one person can fill one hundred percent of your needs. Yes, I've heard that. And I love that because that is why God gives us the gifts of friends. Friends are family I choose. I don't know about you. I would definitely say they're family we choose. but when we have

So many different kinds of friends, it's just a neat topic to talk about. So I thought it'd be fun to just to start our discussion today on some popular friendship sayings and ways of thinking. One of them, which is my personal saying, is that you should have a U shape of friends. Circles are a name, but I'm a big believer in U shapes because a U-shape leaves your life open for others.

And that has proven to be very powerful in my life. I like to see a U shape. And we'll talk about different kinds of friend groups later because sometimes certain groups shouldn't be a U shape. If you have a play date group with your youngest kids, parents, friends, and everybody, then that would not necessarily be somebody I would know and be in. So there are exceptions to that. But

it's leaving room for others and it's a visual that I think is good for us all to know in friendship that a U shape just leaves it open. And think of how many times you may have welcomed somebody to like Kelly, you've invited a friend to book club. It was not closed. Karen, you've invited me to our Bible study. It's not closed. So there are so many benefits for the one inviting and the person invited. I wanted to ask y'all about

This another this is actually Proverbs twenty-seven seventeen, the sum total of who you hang around. So the whole iron sharpens iron is Proverbs twenty-seven seventeen. So we're looking at friendship as something that you are who you hang around. And I've raised my kids to know that. You are who you hang around. People rub off on you real easily, right?

So do you feel like that's something applicable to your daily friend circles?

Kelly (03:15) do shape. I feel like I feel like I like the U shape analogy. I think that's really great because as you know, you and I have known each other for a very long time and we've had several seasons of friendships and you and I have been pretty consistent through the friendship. But there's been other people who have come and gone for various reasons. But the the U shape always allows people to come come in and you know the U shape, that's how I got to know Karen. I mean through you and

If we didn't have that opening, then you would never let anybody else in. And why would you not wanna I don't know. I remember Grant used to say when he was little, the first rule of friendship is to be a friend. And I mean, he was preschool and he learned that, I'm sure, from one of his teachers. And I just always remember his little voice saying that and thinking that that is so applicable, no matter what your age is. You have do you want to be a friend? If you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend. So

having that U shape of allowing people into your friend groups. Like you said, I invited someone to join us for book club. You've invited other people, you know, to to join us. And so we built this group that's it's separate from other groups that we're in. And some of them we're in together. Some of them are not in together, but they kind of can sometimes meld together. And I just I don't know. I I like I like that a lot.

Karen (04:35) Well then have to come back to you and I met when you painted that Proverbs scripture for me, the iron sharpens iron. I've always felt very strongly that that is what we're called to as friends, is to lift each other up and sharpen each other, devil's advocate when we need, hype the person when they need it, encourage, but to always speak truth.

Amy (04:57) So when you think about it, being a friend is a big job because you play many roles for your friends. I mean, fun, humor, grief, happiness, victories, happy for your friends, sad when your friends are sad. There's so many different roles.

Kelly (05:12) Therapist.

Amy (05:13) Therapist. So yeah, if if Karen, if we had not had Jamie, let's see, how did we meet? Jamie introduced us.

And then no, man no, no. Was it Jamie?

Karen (05:32) Anyone had in common, yes. And then I had you paint that, gave one to Steve, and then Steve that's how Steve and Mandy kind of came in the picture too. So yeah.

Amy (05:43) So that's like five people all together right there, how we've and then you met Mandy through me, Ker Kelly. Yes. So it's like

Kelly (05:50) Well, well, you know, with with Mandy, I met her a couple of people tried to introduce to me because when she was pregnant with Remy, knowing she was having a cleft baby and I had a cleft baby. So most people don't know multiple people with cleft kids. So it was a way to connect. And so that's how we met, which is kind of fascinating when you how when you think about how you meet people for reasons. You

Amy (06:14) Right. Right.

Kelly (06:16) know, Amy and I met because our kids went to school together.

She was our mentor. They were our mentor family.

Amy (06:22) I was your welcoming family. And I was like, they have a son named Parker. And then I met Parker and Parker was a girl. I just assume Parker, it's one of those names that could go either way. And I just figured they paired up boys parents. And then I think I met you and Brandon in McAllister's afterwards. It's

Karen (06:39) Hello.

Amy (06:40) so weird how we have these or Brandon was there at least picking up sandwiches after I met him. But so what do y'all think about this saying about not expecting yourself from others?

Does this favor you? Does it help you with your standards? Does it does it make you think twice? Like Karen and I've actually had these discussions before about how just because I get things done really quickly doesn't mean my friends should, or just because I handle something one way really strong doesn't mean somebody else should that I'm friends with, and vice versa.

Karen (07:20) I yeah, I like that God puts people in my life that are not just like me. I need that balance. I need to see the way other people handle things and it's community. It wouldn't be community I feel as much if we were all just cookie cutter versions of each other. It

Amy (07:34) be so boring.

Karen (07:35) would be so boring.

Amy (07:37) And I would never get a word in edgewise if everybody was like me because everybody would talk so much.

Kelly (07:43) Well, we struggle with that between me and you.

Amy (07:47) that

Kelly (07:48) that phrase, not expecting you out of other people, literally changed my life. And because I did expect people to act the way I thought they should act. And once I fully embraced that to stop expecting me out of other people, it really did change my relationships with a lot of people. Because we're not all the same. We can't

We can't do all things. We can't be all things. And because I don't do something the way that you do it or the way that you do it doesn't make my way wrong, or vice versa. Right. Because you don't do it the way I do it doesn't make your way wrong. Right. It's just we we work with what we have. We we are individual people for a reason. And I like that uniquely me. And you're uniquely you. And you know, Amy's Amy's Amy. I mean, like I don't want I don't want to be, I don't want a bunch of me's.

Karen (08:38) I do think we find similarities. Sure. Right. But I yeah.

Amy (08:42) Right.

Karen (08:43) I think those help us bond. But then I'm always I'm always learning from my friends. Always.

Amy (08:50) one of my favorite quotes, I believe it's Oprah Winfrey, was surround yourself by people who lift you higher. And although you can't expect someone to do that all the time because we all have our ups and downs, I do love that. And I think over the years, especially as I've got I've gotten older, I think it keeps I mean, I have high standards for myself as a friend and out of my friends. Like, I mean, we should have high standards of who we hang around or that you're gonna hang around anybody.

So I love that though. Surround yourself by people who lift you higher. It's kinda like the song about the wind beneath my wings. And I love that. Because you always need someone to lift you higher at some point in time.

Kelly (09:36) Agreed. Yeah.

Amy (09:37) And Kelly, you had just said about Grant saying about, you know, about being a friend. And one of my other favorite quotes is the best kind of f vitamin for friendship is B one. B one. But you know, that does lead me to say it takes two to tango. And example, I tend to be a planner. Karen, you are a planner. You're like an extraordinary, amazing planner. You're really good at bringing people together and keeping groups organized. I mean, you've

You're so well, well versed in all of that. And Kelly, not that you're not. I just have more experience with her leading different groups. Sure. I have more experience with you in other areas. But I tend to be a planner and I tend to be the instigator about getting together with a lot of my friends. Like I tend to be the one to say, well, let's go do this and let's go do that. And I get so excited when someone asks me to do something.

Because I feel like I'm usually the and I think you're the same way, Kieran. Like we're both like you might not feel get excited like I do, but I'm like, my gosh, somebody asked us to dinner or to go but it's just people forget, like I think naturally think when you have a friend that's a planner that they're just gonna plan it all.

Karen (10:53) And I think sometimes they think you want to plan it out. And they're kind of almost hesitate to jump in. And sometimes someone will say to me, Why don't we blah blah blah and I'll say, Okay, and they'll say, Can you put it out there? Where I think I you want to encourage people to feel like they can.

Amy (11:07) When you're a naturally born leader and planner, people rely on you. And I s I see that as a compliment, but I get very excited when I'm asked to do something, like a little kid.

Kelly (11:18) think that just kind of playing devil's advocate, which is, you know, my official role.

Amy (11:23) Did introduce you as that.

Kelly (11:25) think that sometimes when you when you to your point you are a natural planner it you don't want to step on someone's toes you don't want to offend that person and think that you're trying to take their I'm gonna call it a job in your friendship. It's not really a job, but you know what I mean. That's just kind of like we fall naturally into our our our roles of what they are and you're

You're a yes person. You like to say yes. You know, you used to like to say yes. You know, you come a long way from when I first met you of overextending yourself. Because I remember you say that to me. She's like, How do you say no so easily? And I'm like, Because I just do. Like I know what I can handle and what I can't. And you to your credit, you have gotten a lot better at balancing what you what you accept. Work.

Amy (12:13) In progress.

Kelly (12:15) Aren't we all? Aren't we all a work in progress? And that's what I always say. You know, you do this hard work on yourself. And I think as

middle aged women, we have all done a lot of work on ourselves, probably in the last decade or so. Because I think, you know, you're so when you're in your twenties, you're busy trying to like build your adulthood. And then I mean for us, we in our thirties, we were raising families and, you know, now we're empty nesters and or almost empty nesters. Pretty close. Yeah. And it's different. You know, it's different. So you do have that more of the time

I guess the bandwidth in your brain to think about yourself and your relationships and different things. And I think that's part of when you let someone always be the planner, always be the hostess, always be the thing. But you know, you you're you've had me to your house eight million times. I've had you to mine probably two dozen. Okay.

Amy (13:09) Are we gonna get into the Kelly cleaning topic or is that a whole nother is that a whole other episode? Okay. Okay.

Kelly (13:14) But

but it has more to do with like meeting people where they are. It stresses me out. And it doesn't stress.

Amy (13:19) Where it doesn't stress me out. I

don't and friends should not keep tabs on who's done what more. Like I I am not phased that y I love to have you here. I'm not phased that you have had me over a few times because that's just not your thing. You also know how to do a spreadsheet and I don't. That's another podcast too, isn't it? It is. But we do all have our strong suits, but yeah, I'm not a f I'm not a scorekeeper.

Kelly (13:45) Yeah. I know you're not. I know you're not. Lots of people are and lots of people and they don't even mean to be. They

Amy (13:51) Yeah, they don't mean

Kelly (13:52) don't mean to be. It's just something that they kind of just do mentally, I think. They don't they don't mean to be like, well, you know what? I've planned the last seven things that we've done. I'm not gonna do any I'm not gonna plan the next one. They j then we just wanna do it. And sometimes groups do fall apart because of that very thing. And then sometimes, you know, you

People make assumptions. People make assumptions. you're too busy. You can't do this. You can't go to lunch because you're too busy. Well, you don't know until you ask.

Amy (14:21) I f firmly believe I I I I I'm a very busy person and I've been told actually a friend texted me this morning who heard my cat sourdough podcast, didn't even know it existed, Googled something about sourdough and my podcast come came up and I was like, whoa. And she says, I know you're really busy, but could you could you meet me? And I I'm never too busy. I I'm never too busy for my friends. And we might not be able to go sit for two hour lunch every time I see my friends, but

I know we all assume we're busy, but and Karen, you're really good about you are really good about making time for people when you'll you know, you'll have been in a meeting for like three hours for things you or you you you do or you've you have this and that, but you always you're always really intentional about making time for people and it's noticeable. Yeah.

Karen (15:08) Well, that's sweet. That's noticeable. It's means a lot to me to spend time with people and I really like quality one on one time with people. And I don't mind planning, but I like to be more just the admin. I don't want to be the le I don't have this desire to lead or do what I want to do. It's just I kind of always felt like I don't once I had kids, I didn't have an actual job outside of being a stay at home mom. And it just I felt like I can do this part of what I can do.

but I love to know what other people wanna do. Let's make it about them, not about me.

Amy (15:38) Yeah,

it's just single.

Karen (15:40) thread. It's just easy to say, well, hey, I'll kind of coordinate the time, but you'll kinda figure out what you want to do. Cause I really I mean, I'm an introvert. I really I love people and I love my friends, but I don't I'm not an entertainer. I'm not a have to be out there and and y make it

Amy (15:58) It's not about you when you do it. It's not about you when you do when I you're an excellent entertainer. Well, I'm just and when you are an excellent hostess and a warm, inviting person and friend. And so that is in all of your your comings and goings with your friends. Like it's felt and seen. And so,

Karen (16:17) Well I'm humbled that people want to be my friends.

Amy (16:19) I know, right? You don't want to put up with this. Wow. So okay, there's different kinds of friends. And I am a visual learner. So I look at it like a gobstopper. You have your core, you have your outer rim, and then the periphery. And I look at it like this. Your core friends are those ride at dawn. You're two of them for me. The ride at dawn, whatever we gotta do, we're gonna do it. Right.

Karen (16:44) We've got the bail money.

Amy (16:46) Yeah. Let's go. Like we're not playing around. No

I mean, I don't really have any deep, dark secrets, but know a lot about me and how I think and how I work, and you still even love me. And then there's the outer rim, which is like your social periphery, like your book club, like your Bible study. You might have really core friends in those, but it's more like a collective group of people who are like minded into the same thing. And then you have the periphery, which are commonplaces, hobbies, or people who

They don't they know you and they consider you a friend and you consider them a friend, but like you're not seeing them, you don't talk to them every day or every week. And they're all these people, all these different gobstopper roles, as I call it, fit in your life for a reason. I surprisingly, I know I'm an extrovert, but I'm not a social butterfly. I love w at least one weekend of the weekend to be calm on my couch, watching a movie.

Catching up on my daytimer and just calm. I do not love big events where I have superficial conversations, like that outer layer of gobstopper conversation where I'm talking about the weather, who's gonna win that game, the same conversation 20 times. And I like your dress. I do not like that. I will go to those, but they're not my preference because I don't I'm more I'm so like

I don't mean this as a compliment. I'm just saying it's I'm so blunt and real that that superficial makes me uncomfortable. Do y'all ever feel that way?

Karen (18:25) Definitely. I'm I I enjoy being with people when we're doing an activity, serving or doing you know, Master Garden or whatever it may be. I enjoy those, but I enjoy having a purpose. I'm not I'm not a party animal. Again, I'm an introvert. So I love people, but I love more of a meaningful conversation.

Amy (18:46) Yes. Me too. I want to leave the conversation with not just we talked about the weather and we mingled and people are looking over my shoulder for who's next. Although if you do look over my shoulder while I'm talking to you an event, I I might I might keep score on that because that's a pet peeve.

Karen (19:04) And I do think people move. Hey, no

Kelly (19:06) Easy to look over your shoulder.

Karen (19:07) hike.

Amy (19:09) Hey,

I am four eleven and three quarters inches. Yes. And you're how tall? Of

Kelly (19:13) Fuck.

Amy (19:14) eight. You're my f tall friend, yeah.

Karen (19:16) And and those roles change too. Sometimes someone might come from the the outer layers you call it and move in and then sometimes they shift around. But those core people, you cannot talk to them for six months sometimes and pick up right where you left.

Amy (19:30) Love

that. When you just pick right back up, it's like nothing ever Andrew's gonna go to Colorado in a few weeks to see his old friends that lived over here. And they they're like that too. They were at his brother's wedding and it was like they'd never not been apart. And they moved five years ago and they're young. So

Kelly (19:48) think that's important though. I think that's the the key. I'd like the analogy of the gobstopper. I wasn't quite sure where you're going with that when you said gobstopper, but I do believe like there's some there's some core friendships. I can just look in at my life. I'm definitely an extrovert.

Amy (20:03) No.

Kelly (20:03) I know. Shocking.

I think Karen says she's an introvert, but I think she's a lot like Jen. You're an extroverted introvert, meaning you can do the things. You do go out. You are you are kind of social. You have

kind of a big calendar, but you also enjoy your alone time. Like you like you need that recharge

Karen (20:23) That reads.

Kelly (20:24) time. Amy and I talk about this a lot 'cause we're extrovert extroverts. Like we're always out there all the time. But I'm the same way. I don't really love like big social events. I would much rather go to someone's house for a party or a shower or dinner or, you know, if you get lucky to come to my house 'cause I'm going to have to clean for four days before and four days after. Which is a whole other thing.

Amy (20:47) Hold on, she says that but her house is super clean.

Kelly (20:49) But

my house is clean all the time. I gotta clean my clean house.

Amy (20:54) So

Kelly (20:55) It's a th it's a pro it's a whole thing. We could do a whole other podcast on that. Yeah, really. And I really realize I really I do realize how insane it is. But I can't stop myself. Anyway, I think even knowing that I'm an extrovert

I need I have too people too. Like there are times where like people ing is too much. Like I'm like, my gosh, I have people's so much. So just to kind of give a little example, I started a new job in January. I started the end of January, the first weekend in February, flew to California and met eight hundred people.

Karen (21:27) Wow.

Kelly (21:30) I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm pretty sure I met eight hundred people. There were like a thousand people there and I met a lot of people and I'd only been in the job for eight days. So it was a lot. And at the time, 'cause it was a you know, casselles meeting and every time we had a little bit of a break, I would go up to the room. I would go up to my room just to be quiet. I'm a talker. There's a lot of small talk when you're meeting people. But sometimes you just gotta get away. Yes.

Amy (21:58) Yeah.

Kelly (21:59) I mean

And by the same token, I kinda like traveling alone for business because I am in a hotel room by myself. Like I don't get to be by myself very often. I work at home, my husband works at home. My children are young adults, but they're in and out all the time. And so I love to be alone. I mean, like, but I am an extrovert, but I like that alone. I mean, I like to be by myself. Sure.

Amy (22:19) Sure. So another point I wanted to bring up today is the joy. I have immense joy in seeing my friends become friends. That is one of the greatest gifts to me to be able to see my friends become Facebook friends after they've been to my son's wedding or make connections like that, or just like in our little, I guess you call it Bunko, even though we don't play, but it's a co-ed bunko group.

And you got some of your we we pulled some of our friends together and they're all friends now.

Karen (22:54) Yeah, and it was fun 'cause they would have never probably ever met

Amy (22:57) Right. And that is so satisfying to to do that. It it it also tells me I've done something right when my friends like each other and they get along and they become friends.

Karen (23:10) Well, you kinda see there is a even though our friends don't have to be just like us, you s sort of find a commonality between people and that they're probably gonna enjoy each other's company too. Right.

Amy (23:21) And when they do, it's like, yeah, I'm so proud. Yeah. Okay. I want to bring up social media and friendships because I feel like social media can sort of illuminate and maybe magnify the whole like FOMO concept or they went to dinner without me. There's a lot of that. I am not a FOMO type of person. I can't be everywhere all the time with every group friend. I can't. Nobody can.

So I guess I don't get that way. Having said that, yes, I have I have felt left out before. I have felt like I've been maybe intentionally left out. I don't know. I mean, this is twenty years of social media, so it's not like this has happened this week or this is a smoke signal to anybody.

Karen (24:06) You're not throwing shade in me.

Amy (24:09) Anybody

personal. There's nothing there. But I do feel like people need to be cognizant of their social media footprint. And, you know, I know that a lot of us will, you know, hey, if we've had a a gathering, you know, and you're really good at this, Karen, you'll be Well, if if there was a a couple or somebody who wasn't wherever you were, you always try to really emphasize you miss who wasn't there. And I noticed that in you.

Karen (24:38) Well, and if you think older than you two are, but we also didn't grow up being teenagers with social media or even in our young twenties or really even in our thirties.

Amy (24:46) Yep.

Karen (24:47) But I think maybe we might even be a little more cognizant of it than the younger generation. I really wonder. I cannot even imagine

Amy (24:55) Hm. I can't.

Karen (24:57) the Snapchat and and the friend gatherings how the lot of harm probably does take place.

Kelly (25:02) Well, it I think it comes with time because to Amy's point, I'm not a FOMO kind of person. I really I'm not I'm not I'm never jealous of anyone or anything. Never. But I have had my feelings hurt. I mean, I have seen on Facebook that like four friends of mine were together and like not only was I not there, I wasn't even invited. Which is not necessarily a problem, but I mean there have been times I'm like

Amy (25:30) W and then you think, Well what did I do? Yeah, do I

Kelly (25:33) So I think social media definitely has like one of the my favorite things about social media is how it reconnected me to people that maybe I knew in high school. And like so I've really rebuilt some friendships and it's outside of social media now that I probably wouldn't have had not social media because some of these people don't live in this area anymore. I grew up in this area, but some you know, not everyone stays where they grew up. People moved off to different places or settled, you know, when they're college town after

I probably wouldn't ever know anything about them if it weren't for social media. So and by that token, I really do enjoy social media, but I definitely see a lot of the downfalls and I think for like our children, especially like our age kids, right? Especially like our older kids. Well, your kids are clo pretty close in age, but like our older Amy and I was older kids, like we were kind of the first all of us were the first parents to ever have to parent in social media and like we didn't know we didn't know we were doing either.

And then we have these, you know, middle schoolers and young teenagers trying to also navigate, you know, well, I only got twelve likes, but you know

Karen (26:40) I can't even imagine it.

Amy (26:42) I can't either. And

Karen (26:44) Navigate that as

Amy (26:46) I've been very blessed in that respect, I think a little here because my boys both keep tight, close friend circles. They don't need a lot of they don't need that outer gobstopper at all. And my youngest especially does not care about social media. He has an Instagram, but he does not post on it. He simply does not care about it.

Karen (27:10) I really worry about the girls too. I think I think the guys maneuver it pretty well. I do think it's a is a

Kelly (27:16) It's a girl. I think and then I think I think I was sitting here thinking that I was like, You have two boys, Amy has two boys, I have a boy and a girl. And I think and and she's come a long way with it. And she, you know, she she breaks up with social media every now and then. She'll take a break. She'll delete her. She'll delete that app. She has much

Amy (27:31) That's okay.

Kelly (27:34) she'll delete the apps every so often and you know for a while and then she'll you know, she'll download them back or whatever. And I think that that shows a lot, but and it we didn't really struggle with it, but I can see where

This leads to a lot of problems in young adults and there's a you know, a lot of bullying that happens on social media. Yep. And unfortunately we didn't have to deal with that. But I know that it happens and it's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking.

Karen (28:00) trained as parents because we didn't go through it ourselves. So I'm sure coming up with the words of advice were hard 'cause it'd be so easy to say, just get rid of it. Right. And you can't really know that they can't do that or what that's the position that's putting them in. Right. Unless you

Amy (28:17) So this is the this is the more deeper dive, not so easy part of this discussion is what do you do when you have to walk away or you've had enough? Do you tolerate it? Do you this is not a multiple po this is not like multiple choice. I'm just giving hypotheticals, no multiple choice. Do you tolerate it and wait it out? Do you ride the wave? Do you confront the person? I mean, do you wal do you just leave?

We have to hold ourselves to the same standard as others. You have to hold yourself like, you know, that whole B one thing. If you wanna the the key to friendship, the best vitamin is B one, be a friend. But there are times that sometimes a friendship has passed its expiration date.

Sometimes I mean I a hundred percent know that you as two people in the core of my gobstopper have had to ride a wave with me. I'm I'm not perfect. I am not perfect. Kelly's like, I could write a book about waves with Amy. But I know that because I'm not perfect. Or are we? Ain't nobody's perfect. I do notice a trend for me that I've said this in another podcast too about something, but I am a negative people repellent.

Because I come from very optimistic positive genetics. We are very positive people, and that is how I am. And I'm going to change as best I can a situation to be more positive for you. And people who do not like that and want to stay where they are, they want to stay stuck, I guess, in a situation, they don't like me. And I can't change, I'm not going to change who I am for being positive. If me being positive

is make somebody else leave, I'm okay with that. I don't mostly like it, but it's you gotta be okay with it. And it's also I've noticed when I stand up for myself. Because that's there's the whole listen, friends, don't it don't mistake what do we say?

Kelly (30:23) Don't mistake my kindness for weakness.

Amy (30:25) Thank you. So just because I'm nice doesn't mean I'm weak. And sometimes if you've pushed a friend to the point of they've got to stand up for themselves, it's just where it is. And people do not like it when I do that. Negative, negative people or people who are like have not been good to me, I guess. Or maybe been like an alpha female friendship towards me. When I stand up or I'm like, I can't take this anymore, it just it's there's no ride to there's no wave to ride at that point.

Kelly (30:56) So I think you have to look at the friendship kind of holistically and see what role that person is filling in your life, right? Are they and then you kind of figure out I think when you kind of dissect friendships and when you have any kind of friendship drama, you have to dissect the friendship and figure out where it's working and where it's not. Is it worth salvaging? Is it not? I think we all have some friends.

that we're still friends with that maybe we keep at arm's length.

Karen (31:29) You change the boundaries.

Kelly (31:31) And you keep them at arm's length. And you want to be friends still, but you don't want them in your day to day. And you don't want to be in their day to day. And to your point, as as you know, since we c call each other Sonny and Pollyanna sometimes,

Amy (31:48) Yep.

Kelly (31:49) I'm very positive person as well. And

A lot of people don't they don't like that. They don't understand that. They think I mean, I someone told me one time that that was that was I was just I was blindly optimistic. And I said, I would take that any day of the week. And I'm going to I'm going to be me. I'm not gonna stop being me because someone else didn't like the way I am. And especially if it's over something pretty benign or or silly. Now, if I did something woefully wrong, that's a different conversation. But for the most part

Most of my friendship breakups is if you call them that. I mean, have really been from from the other side, like being a bully basically. Yeah. And I mean being a bully. And I've just said Yeah.

Amy (32:32) No more.

Kelly (32:33) I said, No, I'm done. I'm done with I'm done with this. I'm through with this conversation. I don't wanna have that. Not probably about ten years ago, I had a pretty significant friend break breakup and then there was a collateral breakup as a part of it. There was a clos some collateral damage and I lost another friend in the in the fray. And it is what it is.

I mean I can't it was hurtful at the time and and I mean I was kind of devastated at the time, especially for the collateral damage friendship. Not for the friendship that was that imploded because it needed to implode. It really did. She didn't she wasn't a good friend to me ever. I was a good friend to her. She wasn't a good friend to me.

And I'm I've made a lot of missteps in friendships and Amy and I we've had we've had a few waves together, like

Amy (33:13) Maybe two in nineteen years. True.

Kelly (33:16) And I mean, again, look at the if we had just packed up our marbles and went home

the first time we had any kind of little bauble in our friendship, then we wouldn't be here today. So I mean, like our friendship was worth fighting for. So speaking specifically about me and you, like it it wasn't worth walking away from

But yeah, I mean I think I think you have to look at the friendship holistically and figure out where they where that person fits in your life and boundaries. Good point, Karen. Boundaries. You have to establish your boundaries. And I think that's something we all learned in our forties and fifties, like how to establish them and enforce them.

Karen (33:53) And they change and your needs change. And I'm still figuring out. I'm not the friend that I need to be. I need to I'm sure there's a lot that I need to be introspective and look at and forgive people, but not necessarily means that they I need to continue in the same frame when maybe that friendship needs to move to a different category. And yeah, I d I you know, I think we all go through those hurtful and we can either put up boundaries or even

walls if we don't want friends to come in and I don't think I would want to do that. But I think I'm just learning in this last kind of third of my life that if I can't be a good friend to someone, it's probably for everybody's best that we just kind of we can still be friends, but we don't have to be dear friends. And it's I heard a comedian not too long ago and he was he's British and I love British humor and he was saying he was being interviewed about adult friendships. And he goes,

Yeah, because we all hate the same things. And I thought that's not what I want in this season of life. I really just want to hang out with people that we love the same things. And that can kinda change the whole topic. And I'm not a negative Nelly and I really it's emotionally draining to be in a negative conversation for too long. And you know, when you're younger, your kids are in school or you have a coach that doesn't seem fair or teachers that don't seem fair, when you're with maybe the outer class.

core of friends, it's easy to go and that's not fair and that's not fair. But I'm in this season of life where I'm not I'm very blessed that I can choose most situations I'm in. Yeah. And I can choose who I spend and invest my time in.

Amy (35:32) Well, I would say when, you know, you do have the hurtful or the endings or those kind of things. I was when I was sort of brainstorming this I was thinking of like wisdom that I've gained over the years and I was like, Hold that text. Just don't send it. Don't send the text. Just just hold. Think about it overnight. Talk it out. I'm never a mystery. I'm pretty blunt. So I don't mean to sound this like off the like really weird here, but like people usually know where they stand with me.

I'm not like some mystery. And if I do have a problem, I'll let you know. Like I just don't feel like I need to be like elusive about it. You're my friends. You deserve to know. And, you know, I think it's all normal that we stew on things. I mean, that's that's normal. If you drive down the road and you're still upset about something that happened two weeks ago because it flashes in your head, it's just 'cause you're human.

Karen (36:25) Sometimes it has something to do with what's going on with you. Is it a wound from childhood? Is it did you did you didn't feel heard? You didn't feel recognized for something you did, you felt dismissed. I think sometimes my first thought is if I am a little offended, something's going on, w what what is that saying about me? What's I don't know, I always try to pray about it and say, God, what is this revealing about me? It's is am I struggling with jealousy? Because I think that's one of the worst things that can go on between women.

Whether we want to admit it or not, it may not be that I want to be that person. Right. But wow, you know, her husband's job's going great. My husband's struggling. Her kids doing great. My kids struggling. And I think sometimes our nerves can get hit and we don't even realize what it is. And I'm big on knowing I want to know why. I want to peel the onion, because then that kinda helps me know what's going on in my heart. But if it's someone just being outright rude and different, that's it's a

Amy (37:20) I

love that you said that because comparison is truly the the it is. Like in friendship especially.

Karen (37:27) And we know and people put their best foot out there and we never really know what's going on. And we wanna be happy for our friends and success and cry with them in the hard times and

Kelly (37:37) I think too, when you're in a in a hard season with, I don't know, your kids, what you know, whatever it is, I think sometimes it's hard to like share that with even your closest friends, especially if you might be a little embarrassed about it.

Amy (37:51) Yeah, you always wait till like way later and I'm like, Why did you not tell me this before? Hello? Mm you like drop a bombshell on me and I'm like, What? I'm your friend, but you're that's your way where I'll tell you as soon as something happens.

Karen (38:05) 'Cause I need to process it. I was saying it processes it differently.

Kelly (38:08) I gotta pr I need to process what what's happening and what's going on and I need to know what I'm talking about before I say it out loud. And

Amy (38:17) Right just need to get it out.

Kelly (38:18) you have to get it out and you have to get and you have to get it out and that's what works best for you. And it's not that I'm like like trying to hold on to it like, you can't you can't get in my wall. It's not that at all. It's I have to process it. And so a friend of mine just yesterday, she said that she was doing some work on some things that she thought she had let go. She thought she had

forgiven some things and that but she said I'm working on my resentment because I I keep picking this stuff back up and I haven't truly put it down. So it she she related, she's like, you know, I've got to truly give that to God. Mm-hmm. He he's he's got to take care of me here and he will take care of me, but for whatever reason I keep holding on to it and I've got to lay that down. And that's what I'm working on today. And that's what she said. And I thought that was pretty profound of her to say

I thought I I thought I I thought I let this go. And she didn't tell me what this was. Right. She just told me she thought she let something go and she was working on resentment, trying to like really hone in on why she kept picking up picking that back that feeling back up.

Karen (39:23) It's human and you never know if it's something in your spirit that's protecting you or if it's just from a wound. You never really know. And I'm kind of the combination of both of you. I have to process it. And then I have to externally process it. And then I might loop a bit. And sometimes I come to and then I have to give it up to God. And then I'm thinking, I should have just started there. But sometimes when it's really emotionally on your heart.

You don't always start there. Yeah. And I And I wanna fix it myself and I know I can't.

Amy (39:54) I know that's true about you because I know a pattern with you, which is not a bad pattern, but if I'm like checking on the status of something with you or just checking in, if you and you know, you and I'll have like 10 micro bursts of text right in a row, you don't answer that until you're ready. I've noticed that.

Karen (40:14) Interesting.

Amy (40:15) And I just let I just know to just let it be and you'll let me know the answer when you want. It's funny. Isn't that interesting?

But you know, on the on the friendships, you know, ending and type depressing part of this podcast, you know, I do believe there are friends there the seasons of friendship are are real. And so sometimes friendships expire organically. You're not on the same sports team anymore and you don't see the people all the time. Those are your outer rim of your gobstopper. You're not you don't have a problem with them or your kids graduated and you just don't see them anymore.

Karen (40:50) That's

when you really notice it, when you're you're becoming an empty nester.

Amy (40:53) Yes. Or, you know, also there's times where you n you start or I have personally noticed when a friendship is is one sided, it's one way. And that's kind of my way to just not have a maybe that person just doesn't like me. Maybe that person isn't interested in me anymore, or we just don't have the same goals in life. Maybe we're going different directions. but I think some of that is just it's okay. That happens. It's not that you're not friends and you'll see Trader Joe's and

Hey, how are you doing? But it's different. It's just you don't see them on the bleachers anymore, or or your kids aren't friends anymore, or things like that. Not because the kids had a falling out, or maybe they did, but sometimes you just you just can't do it all. So Father Jolly at my church, he had an awesome social media post just very recently, and I I took it. No, I love this. No longer give access to.

Because you cannot compromise. It is not about casting stones at others, it is literally protecting your heart and soul. If a relationship takes you away from prayer, joy and obedience, and gives negative thoughts and you're unhappy, it is time to move on. Better to lose friendship than your peace. I mean, is that not?

Kelly (42:14) I saw he posted that and I think that's amazing.

Amy (42:16) almost have chills because better to lose friendship than your peace. And I went through that in recent years of with somebody who I thought I was being a good friend, trying to help that person and just say, hey, you know, you can do hard things. Listen, when my mom died, I needed people to tell me I could do hard things. And I appreciated my friends telling me that and walking that journey with me. Or when I've had other circumstances in my life,

Sometimes I need my friends to be hard on me. And I need y'all to be like, Amy, you're really out of bounds here with what you're thinking or whatever. You know, devil's advocate, right? I need I need those. And I don't find that they're friendship changing either. I need those. But again, don't expect yourself from others. And this person did not like my intentions. And I know where my intentions were. I know the conversation where I was standing while I was on the phone call, all that stuff.

And that person took it a completely different direction. But, you know, if everybody's looking out at the water and there's a bunch of ships, look, if that person wants to translate that every ship is red, in their mind they're red. You cannot change it. And so that person was very angry with me for trying what I I thought I had good intentions. And then got really unhappy with me and showed it.

and I stood up for myself, not gonna take this anymore. I'm gonna tell you how this is gonna be. I did send a text saying you cannot you can't treat you can't be like this. I stood up for myself

Fast forward way months over way over a year. I went with what one of the priests at church had said that, you know, obedience and humility and loving neighbor, that's all in the Bible. And if you can do those things in a situation like that, y you're all you have done your your job. O be it is it takes humility to text someone

a year and a half later after something like that and say, I'm praying for you. But I digress. It's okay. Because I will I have peace with it all. And I know where my intentions were And sometimes you just have to move on. Other times it's just we're not on the same team anymore. We're not we're not at the same school. Or you just don't have the same interests. Your different age group groups do different things.

Kelly (44:43) I mean, sometimes people do I mean I I have several friends who never got married, never had children. And it's not that we're not still friends. They're just not in my everyday life. I mean, because we went different directions. And you know, when you're in the thick of raising kids and a young family, that that that's everything. Like you you're busy. You're you're very, very, very busy. And to your point, you know, I always make time for people, but you know, full time job, two kids.

I went to grad school when my kids were young. I mean, because I didn't have enough going on. Husband, home, lots of things, you know, trying to stay active in our church and our kids' schools and all the things. It you do get to a point where sometimes your friendship doesn't align and it's n like you said it's no falling out. It organically it just I don't know that it it just happens. It just happens and like you said you

Amy (45:38) Break up, it just happens.

Kelly (45:39) run into somebody and you know you

talk to or you maybe go to dinner with them once a year and it's great and you and you really enjoy it and you say every time you see them you we've got to get together more often. But you know year after year it's the same thing. Like you don't ever actually and neither do they. And I think from from their perspective they think I'm so busy 'cause I'm married and I have a the family and but I can always go to dinner. Right. Or lunch or coffee, even though I don't drink coffee. Like but you the you you can make time. Right. It's not that hard.

And sometimes people are too always busy, busy, busy, busy, busy.

Amy (46:12) Another great little tidbit here, I love this nugget, it's from Father Jen's at church. We must remember in good times the friends who walked us through the hard times. And that is something that is, you know, more precious than gold, as they say.

Karen (46:31) Well, that's your core group. I mean, I look at my core friends. I mean, one was holding my hand as my mom took her last breath. I mean, there's the people that another was with me as I'm watching my house in flames. I mean, those are the people that were there. It was it changed me just to see their love and that they were there for me. And I think kind of going back to what you were speaking about earlier, I think it's important that we

Speak truth to people in love. And sometimes it's hard. And like you said, sometimes people don't hear it. And it can be hard to do. It

Amy (47:07) Barry.

Karen (47:08) can be hard. And then sometimes when we do it, we're already put out and we're over it. So what I and I'm not great at. I can be devil's advocate, but I sometimes I have an issue with being a echo chamber to people. And sometimes I might hold back and not say sooner on, Hey, can I just stop you? Can I just mention this? And

That's kind of my goal, what I want to work on more is a friend. So it doesn't get to where your paths have just kind of completely separated, or sometimes everything that person says, you're like, my gosh, my gosh. I need to if I truly want to be I don't need to waste anyone's time. If I truly want to be a friend, I really need to be more honest and and pray. And we talk about this a lot, praying for our friends, especially when

Amy (47:56) For your friend.

Karen (47:57) In

a situation where sometimes we're worried about them, it's making friending be a little tricky, is praying for them.

Amy (48:05) Love that you brought that up because when I was getting my hair done, my I was telling a hair my hair girl about some hey Jennifer, I know you'll listen to this. That's my hair girl.

Kelly (48:16) Jennifer.

Amy (48:16) K Kelly's here too and you do her hair. But I've gone to Jennifer for eight or nine years now. And so, you know, you're when you have a relationship like that, they know things about you because you talk to them and you know things about them. And I remember talking to her about a friend I was worried about. It's neither of you, y'all are good.

No smoke signals to anybody World Wide Web either. I'm just saying. And she looked at me, she goes, Have you prayed for her? And I thought, gosh, I think I've worried more about her than and noticed more lately than I have that. Y'all, I swear I started praying for her and I've seen changes in her life from she's a gobstop. She she's a gobst she's in that gobstopper. She's in the core. But like I have seen her life having changes

right before my eyes for the better. And I'm like, wow, I am so glad that Jennifer said, Have you prayed for her? Yeah. Because it made me have a whole nother view of praying for my

Karen (49:16) Sometimes if you're a fixer, you keep you're frustrated that life is going a certain way or that they're having struggles or you just wanna fix it and all the words in the world to that person aren't gonna change it. But God can. And I think it helps you understand that it's all it's it's in his power. It's not in our power. Because you know I'm I'm

I realize how powerless I am. I don't wanna be the one to do all things and fix all things 'cause I can't. I'm lying to myself if I even think that I have that much power. Right. It's so nice to give it all to him, whether it's in friendship to my own life. Mm-hmm.

Kelly (49:53) I totally agree with that. I think like with the with friendships and being devil's advocate and some of that, sometimes in expiring friendships, all the things, sometimes when you give information to another friend, sometimes it comes across like you're trying to be an expert. Mm-hmm. And

Until and I'm I'm gonna use this example 'cause we've all experienced this. We've all lost our mothers. Okay. Until you lose your mother, you have no idea what that walk feels like. None whatsoever. And yes, you can be a great friend, but I promise you, Karen and I were probably said a lot more right things to you than wrong things because we've already walked it when you lost your mom.

Not that we were perfect because I'm sure I wasn't. I'm sure I made a lot of missteps. But I think having walked it and knowing some of the I hate this word, but I'm gonna use it anyway, some of the triggers that I had from when I lost my mom, of some of the things that people said to me during that time frame. And they were trying to be helpful and I just had to remember their intent was good. Intent was good, intent was good. And so I had to like look in my heart and because I was

That's part of grief. I was very angry. I was very angry that this happened. And it's something that you have to like kind of look at totally. And so when you send the text of advice, you have to remind yourself that, okay, how are they, you know, how are they going to read it? And you can't read someone else's mind, but you have to know that.

Sometimes until you walk that walk, you're not an expert. You can't tell me about having a kindergartner until you've had a kindergartner. Right. Like you know what I mean? You can't tell me when you have a preschooler what it's like to have a high school kid because you don't know. You don't know until you get there. Right. But you can be a good sounding board and listening and

Helpful and constructive, but praying to the whole point of my like little tirade there is when you know someone means it that they're praying for you, it means the world. It

Amy (51:58) Yes it does.

Kelly (51:59) means the world. And just last week, someone that I know, but they're kind of on the outer edge of my friendship group, told me that they've been praying for me. And I was like, Wow. Wow. And it was about church. It was about going to church. And I was talking about how we've been more consistent.

And going to church now that I don't have a retail job anymore that that was really messing up our church going. And she said, I've really been praying for that. And she meant it. And I know she meant it.

Amy (52:28) You remember when Nancy Mole did that for me? It was I can tell you right now, it was May of twenty twenty four. I have it saved in my notes on my phone, her text. It's I

Karen (52:37) So much when people do that.

Amy (52:39) mean, I've been praying for you and your husband and your boys and the you I've had you on my heart. Like I I hadn't had wasn't going through anything. She just thought about me. And I I think it's amazing too. I I try to be very intentional if I'm thinking of somebody to just tell to all my friends, because sometimes it's just when you need just when you need it.

Okay, switching gears a little. Misconceptions about friendships, friend groups, and clicks. And my commentary on this is sometimes well, I'm not a clicky person. I was a friend in high school, and I'm sure some of them are gonna listen and laugh, but I was really friends with everybody because I was kind of a big goofball in high school. Finally I met my husband and he made me grow up. Not he didn't make me, his influence, I should say, made me grow up because he's just such a good yin and yang guy from debatable. well, I know. You do say I'm a what? Twelve year boy.

Kelly (53:26) Double.

Amy (53:27) Okay.

Well, but anyway, I do feel like there are some times, like I said earlier, that some groups are just irrelevant. Like some your your preschool friend group that or your Briarcrest group or different groups that you have in Les Passés, I'm irrelevant to those. Like, you're not gonna invite me to that. Whereas same here, like, I mean, yes, anyone is a welcome to our book club, but you know, it's like

I can't invite the world, although I just did but you know, like some groups are irrelevant to others. And so it's not always exclusivity. It's not always like look at us, we're a clique. Sometimes it's just the way it's made. So I did want to throw that in to the mix as well, because it's important to recognize

Karen (54:15) like you two, I'm not from here. I we moved from the age, I guess between when I was five and fourteen, we moved five times from Florida to the East Coast to the Midwest to the Atlanta area. So I had to walk into circles that were already formed. And I was so grateful that people were so kind. And coming from Omaha, Nebraska to a suburb of Atlanta, I was

felt like a dumb hick and which is not. I the Midwestern people are the nicest people in the whole US in my opinion. But I was so grateful and I think that has kind of stuck with me to want to invite people. I wouldn't want to invite someone to something that I felt like they wouldn't enjoy, but you do want to keep those open and to me it's even God shaped because I just really how he he wants us to have community. He wants us to have friends and

Craig and I always joke because I could not make any more new friends between now and when I die. I'm so content and I'm so happy. But there's the people out there that, as Craig, my husband would say, are always taking applications. They're always looking for new friends, looking for more, looking for more. And I'm the opposite. I'd rather grow the friendships that I have. Now, if I am doing something that I love and I come across someone and we have a lot in common, definitely. But I'm not just out there, hey, come over. We're having a big party because

I want to grow that. And I, you know, I have such a heart for friends becoming friends. I mean sometimes I like to get people in a room and almost just step back and thank you, God. Thank you for bringing this wonderful group of friends together because you want to see those friendships. And and then it's also easier because when you get together, you can have the same groups kind of intermingle. And a lot of my groups are intermingled, which that's just I'm just thankful with the people they want to be.

that there's a there's a common thread I think with most people that I'm friends with. I mean, I'm thankful for and they're believers and they're just nice and fun people.

Amy (56:20) Well, that's a perfect segue since you brought up Craig discussing opposite sex opposite sex friendships and couple friendships. And I mean, I've got two friends, two guy friends, from one from high school, Gavin, and one from college, David. And I mean, Gavin's wife and I, Jennifer, we're really good friends. And but probably because we both put up with Gavin. But these these are

just good guys who I've known for decades who would literally do anything for me. And they're genuinely happy for me. Totally different kind of guys, but great friends that have blessed me for ever. But then I have the whole like couple's friends. I mean, I'm friends with both of your husbands. I have seen both of your husbands rally for my family or do things for my family.

when we've needed it and hopefully I've done that likewise for y'all. But they're like siblings to me. But but I still don't see y'all as a package deal. But like I love I have a very like teasing relationship with both of your husbands. And like I don't think Brandon can look at me without almost laughing. Because he knows I'm probably gonna say something unexpected because you say I'm a twelve year old boy. You've got that in his head. It's your fault.

Kelly (57:44) Come on now. That is all you and him. I mean, he didn't know you very long at all when he photoshopped your car.

Amy (57:51) He did.

Kelly (57:52) He photoshopped she when she used to drive a gray Honda pilot. She he photoshopped it. And this is, you know, way before it was like super easy to photoshop. He photoshopped it and made it pink and put like keys on the back window. I mean, it was a it was a whole thing.

Amy (58:10) It was a vibe. It was a vibe.

Kelly (58:11) In the church parking lot.

'Cause that's where we saw the because we're that's where we were. Right. And so that kind of built that foundation of like the silly friendship that the two of you have. But it's also outside of me. I mean, I don't he didn't he come over. He came over not too long ago for something and dropped off or picked something up. I can't remember what, but the Boston butt. That's what I'm like.

Amy (58:32) Thirty minutes later you left because I was showing him my bluebirds on the bluebird feeder that Karen gave me. It's kind of full circle there. But yeah, I think it's important to recognize those friendships too. I think so. Because they're the fellowship in them for the men. I don't think men get enough time with things in life and the way they are to really get into like I mean, I don't think I'd have a guy on this. Sean would not want to be on this podcast about friendship.

You know? Yeah. I mean guys aren't they don't really think about

Kelly (59:05) Well, and I don't think guys have the same need for the same level of friendship that women do. At least I can see that with my husband, with my son. I mean, they have friends, but it's not the same. Like they're not I mean, Brandon Brandon's most consistent friendship is a guy who lives in San Francisco and they text back and forth about Yankee baseball and Notre Dame football. Like the see you always knows there are games going on because, you know, Jason and Brandon are like the his phone's going off like

They're they're analyzing the game, you know, from their respective like homes, right? 'Cause they can hear at Yankee Stadium if they do it d via text.

He doesn't have that same like friendship group like I do. And I don't know. They're I mean his his friendship his friendships are different. They're just they're just different than than mine. And I think that has to do with like just male versus female. And I'm sure there are a lot of males that have a a big friend group and do a lot of things. I just don't see it in my life the same way as I see it like for my daughter or for myself. And I've always had a lot of friends too.

Karen (1:00:10) I agree. I don't know that the need is there. And I think they're very comfortable with the friends they have and Craig enjoys getting together with couples and I think he knows they're kind of vetted if typically they're husbands of my friends and he knows they're probably gonna be right. Nice people. So

Amy (1:00:27) And also one thing too is before we get to closing remarks is friends of all ages. I really like at fifty three having friends ten, fifteen young years younger than me and ten, fifteen years older than me. I don't wanna be like I don't I don't wanna I mean there's so much to learn from friends who have more wisdom and and experience than me. But then I love that several of my friends think of me as like a big sister.

And I'm I'm not I don't have a biological sister, so I love that that when they tell me that I'm like, you know, and Britney was one of them and she was Christopher and's babysitter like twenty years ago and we're still I remember her when she was in high school and now she's like forty, almost forty, maybe around there. So I do think there is so much value in not just gravitating towards everyone that's, you know, graduated the same year you did in high school and all that stuff.

Karen (1:01:26) Absolutely. As your older friend, I appreciate you including me. You are not old. I am

Amy (1:01:31) You're not

Karen (1:01:31) I know when we moved here, we moved into a neighborhood where quite a few people had moved there kind of as a retirement home. And most of my friends in that neighborhood were about fifteen years older. And it was such a blessing. We were older having starting our family having kids and I learned so much from them. And I'd say they're ten to fifteen. And now I look back thinking, my gosh, they're the I'm older than they were when I first met them.

And I didn't view them as old but I was so sweet that they were patient to come and hang out at a house with toddlers with crumbs on the floor. Right. Even though 'cause right now I don't hang out with anybody with a toddler.

Amy (1:02:08) Right.

Karen (1:02:09) I thank you all for being such sweet friends. 'Cause they really

Kelly (1:02:13) I agree. I think it's I think it's great to have friends of kind of all ages for that very reason. I mean, I know like when you're in the throes of like a baby, having a friend who has a five-year-old and you have a baby is like it's a lifeline because babies don't come with instruction manuals. And what works for your first child rarely works for your second. So having someone a little bit older, a little bit wiser.

that's not related to you. I mean, obviously we had our mothers and our grandmothers. Well, I mean, I still had my grandmother to ask those questions to, but someone that's like raising children just a few years ahead of you was like instrumental. And to your point, we had the sweetest neighbors that lived across the street from us. And she was from England. So she had a lovely accent. And she but she liked to be a little gossipy about the neighborhood. And

'Cause she was from England. She would say, I don't mean to be a nosy pocket, which is so funny because my daughter's name is Parker. And that's what made it even funnier when she said it. But when we moved there, we didn't have children and we had Parker a year later. And so Miss Jackie would come over, God rest her soul, and she was just so good to my children. She got them advent calendars every single year until she passed. And she would bring them like little Easter goodies. I mean, just it sh she was kind of like their neighborhood grandmother. And she

Amy (1:03:28) She's

a different form of a friend. A different to your family.

Kelly (1:03:31) I'm a friend and she was a great friend to us. She was a great friend to us. And I mean, we missed them. I mean, and so they were they were so great. I think it's helpful. Like you said, I don't have any friends with toddlers either, but I mean, how fun would that be? Mm-hmm. Like how fun would that be to like have that? And I think I have now I have more compassion. Like when I'm in church and I see kids that are, you know, antsy 'cause they are antsy. Right.

It makes me feel like I mean, you know, I guess a little more nostalgic, right, that I missed it. So I think having the age of friendships is is huge.

Amy (1:04:01) Well, we're going into the rapid fire portion of the podcast, which people really seem to enjoy. And during rapid fire, just before our closing, I you can answer together on your own. You can agree or disagree. They're just fun and they are not serious. Okay. So go for a walk or have a lunch date.

Kelly (1:04:27) Walk. Lunch date.

Amy (1:04:29) That's true on Karen about walk. You can walk with her every week.

Karen (1:04:33) That's where you solve all the world.

Amy (1:04:35) We really do. It's four miles of problem solving. It's amazing. I highly recommend a standing date with a friend. And because of my schedule this week, we couldn't go and I feel like my week isn't complete. Big group or small group for dinner? Small small. Planner or spontaneous get together?

Kelly (1:04:54) Both.

Amy (1:04:55) Both.

Work a room with small conversations or small group of real talk. Yes.

Karen (1:05:00) Small group real talk.

Kelly (1:05:02) Real

talk.

Amy (1:05:03) Talk it over ASAP or agree to meet up later.

Karen (1:05:06) ASAP.

Kelly (1:05:09) Pens.

Amy (1:05:10) I would say immediately.

Karen (1:05:13) I'm impatient though.

Kelly (1:05:14) So

Amy (1:05:15) Gee. Get it let's get it out of the way. Let's get it over with. All that stuff.

Kelly (1:05:20) think sometimes when you answer too quickly though. Yes. You say things you you say things that you wouldn't say later. Mm-hmm. So and

Karen (1:05:28) Within twenty four hours. How about that?

Amy (1:05:29) Twenty four hours is solid. But I don't wanna make I don't wanna make y'all I don't wanna make my friends like mysteriously wonder what I've got going on or

Karen (1:05:37) 'Cause that's too much time in my opinion to loop.

Amy (1:05:39) I'm gonna loop all day.

Karen (1:05:40) And then I'm gonna try figure figure out what did I do wrong, what did they do wrong. Yes. Right.

Amy (1:05:44) Right.

And true or false, you are the common denominator of all of your friendships.

Karen (1:05:51) Yeah.

Amy (1:05:53) Yeah. You are the common denominator. If everybody's frustrated with you, it might be you, even if they're not all in the same group, or there's some kind of pattern, you know, and I I I don't care who you are, how great of a friend you are, how welcoming you are, whatever, you are you are the common denominator. I try to be the common denominator of welcoming friends and bringing them in to meet each other and all those things, but I know I'm common denomin I'm I'm not perfect.

Karen (1:06:23) I just remember Pastor would say, if in your small group there's that one person that's like that sandpaper person that's always difficult and you can't figure out who it is, it might be you.

Amy (1:06:34) Ooh, I like sandpaper person. That's that.

Kelly (1:06:37) There's a really good book about that.

Amy (1:06:39) Sandpaper person. Well, ladies, that brings me to a little challenge we're going to leave our guests with today. And I am going to challenge all of you listening and ourselves to invite a friend, no matter where they are on your Gobstopper, if they are your periphery, if they are friends, if they are your closest friends, to

Text or call them and invite them to coffee, lunch, walk, to pray together, go to dinner for a real connection. I would like an invitation if somebody would like to invite me to do any of these. But I think that would be a great little ripple effect of this podcast. We could talk for a lot longer about friendship. It's such a it's such a wonderful gift.

I'm so blessed by my friends, you two included, of course, for being here. But everybody just maybe think about it and just even if it's I'm thinking about you to my friend that lives across the country, just text them and say, I'm thinking about you or FaceTime or just go get the coffee or go do the things. And so that's homework. I've never given homework on a podcast before, but

Kelly (1:07:53) I think can I add to that? Sure this past week I called two different friends who I hadn't spoken to in a while. We had a few texts and I said, I don't have a lot of time, but some is better than none. Absolutely. And so both times, one time I was just getting ready in the morning and I typically do that's kind of my prayer time while I'm putting my makeup on and stuff. But that particular morning, put in an airpod and I called my friend and just had a fifteen minute conversation while I put makeup on and did my hair or whatever.

And then I was running an errand later and I was gonna be in the car between minutes when I called another friend that I had that friend I hadn't talked to in about six months since I started my new job. Cause she used to talk to me during the day. So I told I said, I don't have a lot of time, but some is better than none. And I was thinking about you and I just wanted to say hello. She was thrilled that I did made that one small little effort. Now that doesn't mean that I'm a perfect friend because I'm certainly not, but it was something

that we think, I don't have time to go to an hour lunch. I don't have time to go for a four mile walk. I don't want to walk four miles. What you know, whatever, whatever the reason. But we do have time for a 10 minute phone call, a 15 minute coffee break. And it is okay to know on the front end, I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to give you some of my time. I want to give you some of what I have.

Karen (1:09:10) Yes. I think that's wonderful. And I'd like to add one more thing too is I guess when you know you're gonna do a podcast about friendship that really gets you thinking about friendships. And I did I was in a lot of thought and prayer this week over it. But just so much appreciation and thankfulness and to let the friends know how much they've meant to you. 'Cause my core is super small, but the few people that are in there, they have touched me deeply and I really want them to know that. And I

was able to have one or two conversations that really meant a lot of thanking people for what they've taught me. Mm-hmm. Because I I'm a much better friend. I still have a long way to go, but because of them and the friendship that they've shown me, the forgiveness they've shown me, the loveliness that they've just been and the encouragement.

Amy (1:09:58) Absolutely. So it's a friendship is is a beautiful thing and iron does sharpen iron. And I do think humility does play a big part of friendships. Obedience does too and loving thy neighbor. Because, you know, there is the saying, well, maybe you don't know this, but love those who are meast who are least lovable because they need it most. Boy, is that hard. It can be hard. Very

Kelly (1:10:20) Can we read?

Amy (1:10:20) hard. It can be very hard. But that's where humility, obedience, and loving thy neighbor comes in.

Kelly (1:10:26) Well, I think some people take the love thy neighbor to mean literally your neighbor. Yes. But that means everybody. That means correct every human being on this planet is my neighbor. So that means loving everyone. And I think that a lot of people misconstrue that and they take it very serio you know, very literally neighbored like just the people in your community or communities. But it's literally every human being on the planet is your neighbor and that's important.

Karen (1:10:50) And we talk about sandpaper people, but we have to know that sometimes we're that person in someone else's life too. I know that I am the farthest from perfect. And one of my favorite scriptures is in humility count others more significant than yourself. That's in Philippians. And that is

Amy (1:11:04) I love it.

Karen (1:11:05) so I it's so easy for us to think it's all about us and it's not. And I go there. I go there and I I need to be reminded constantly that it's not about

Amy (1:11:14) Me. Yeah. And I'm so I appreciate y'all so much for being here. Y'all mean the world to me. You're definitely in the core of my gobstopper. And I would do anything for you. And I know that is likewise I I I have homework. The homework for everybody is pray your friends. I love that takeaway is praying for your friends and invite a friend to do something the this week. Just something different, something different.

And everybody, you can find me on Spotify, iHeartRadio, Amazon Radio, Apple Radio, and unbeknownst to me, I'm on Audible now too. So you can listen to us on Audible. If you would like to be on the podcast, if you have any kind of cause, information, ministry, or just awesome topic like friendship, and you'd like to come on, or if you just want to be a famous superstar and have something to talk to me about.

Please contact me at amiki's podcast at gmail.com. That is A-M-Y-K-E-Y-S podcast at gmail.com. So friends, love everybody. Be kind, use humility, and pray for each other. Till next time.